I turn 31 on August 29, which means I just closed out my 30th year on earth. Before the next one starts moving, I want to say something plainly, because I do not say it enough: I am really proud of myself.
This year held some major achievements and some major life shifts. I am finally taking the leap and changing how I have architected my life, in a way that is scary and also so liberating. I am building businesses and a culture that represent me and how I want to design my life, and that is deeply fulfilling.
And my girls are prospering. They are turning into the people I could have only dreamed of: so happy, so thoughtful, curious, and confident. I have been so deliberate in my parenting, and as much as this is them shining, it also feels like a representation of all the blood, sweat, and tears that have gone into every decision my husband and I have made as parents.
So here are the ten things this year taught me. Each one ends with the question I would ask you, because none of this is just mine.
1. Fear was running more of my life than I wanted to admit
For a few years, fear was running more of my life than I wanted to admit. Now I am moving through a one-way door in my career. It is scary, because once I walk through this door, whether it goes well or goes poorly is all on my shoulders. There is no net. It is all up to me now, and I do believe I can do it. I have been scared of doing this for a long time.
In retrospect, I can say I was learning and growing the whole time, and I am sure everything has a reason. But in my core I have known I needed to make a change, and this next chapter awaits. It is going to be powerful, because it is going to be everything I have dreamed of and visualized, without the constraints I put on myself through some of the decisions I made along the way.
Ask yourself: what would you do this year if fear did not get a vote?
2. True confidence is embracing all parts of yourself and letting them shine
My goal for 30 was finding true confidence. Here is the thing: I am a well-spoken person. I am confident on stage, confident sharing my knowledge. But something deeper was eating at me. I could not be my childlike, playful self. I wanted to be confident enough to let that side of me be exposed too. Not putting a hat on or taking one off. Just showing all of me.
This year I stopped hiding that part. I stopped performing in certain areas of life. I was holding back the playful, creative side because I never wanted people in a business context to judge me, because I am young for what I have achieved in business. Now I am starting to realize it is actually another superpower.
And confidence means sharing the things I feel real conviction about and have not shared as much, even though they will start conversations: some of my parenting philosophy, the way I build culture, and how I think about designing a life.
Ask yourself: where are you still performing in life?
3. Time blocking, but for presence, not productivity
For the last decade I thought of time blocking as a productivity tool. This year it shifted to the opposite: time blocking my ability to be not productive. To be with my kids. To be present.
The single best version of this: I started putting my phone in the bathroom at night, and it is one of the best decisions I have ever made. I am not looking at a screen before bed. I am reading, I am talking to my husband, I am journaling. That presence creates a centering I did not know I was missing.
Ask yourself: how are you time blocking? When is the next block of time where you will be totally present, and how do you make it a routine?
4. Keep some things light with your partner
Somewhere along the way I made an overt decision to make everything heavy. I was hiding my playfulness and my lightness, and holding on to things I did not need to hold on to. That was a me problem, and once I worked through it, we were able to have more fun together.
There are a lot of hard moments, and your perspective is how you move through them. When both kids are screaming on an airplane, do you laugh at it together, or do you start to hate each other in it? For years I went automatically to resentment, because I felt like I was pulling everything together and controlling everything. When I let go of some of that control and brought the playfulness back, it snowballed: more fun, more dates, joking around again, being transparent with each other about how we feel instead of holding it inside.
Ask yourself: what are you holding onto that keeps things heavy? How do you let go of it?
5. It feels like you are failing until the day that you are not
When you are putting yourself out there, building a business, doing anything that matters, it feels like failure. Failure, failure, failure, for days, weeks, years. Your heart sinks every time you put effort into something and nothing happens. And then one day it all pays off. I cannot tell you when that day will be. Nobody can.
So I made a commitment to myself: every time I want to quit, I give it three more months. I almost gave up on this content journey so many times. Then, out of nowhere, it all took off, and I am so thankful I did not give up. Most of success is just pushing through when you really want to stop. Getting fit is the same thing. Showing up when it is hard is the whole game.
Ask yourself: what have you wanted to quit, or quit too early? Next time, how will you get yourself to give it more time and push through?
6. Busyness is a trap
I thought I had to be busy or productive all the time. The big learning: you need free thinking space to be creative, to come up with your best ideas, to visualize the future. I had none. I was back to back to back to back, and I did not realize that to be my most amazing business self, I actually had to force that space into the calendar.
Free thinking means sitting in your own thoughts. Journaling, thinking, looking out the window. My girls live in that imaginative space all day, and they inspire me constantly. Try it: sit with a pen and paper for thirty minutes a day for a week. At first it is super uncomfortable. Then something amazing comes out of it.
Ask yourself: what if you let yourself sit with a pen and paper for thirty minutes a day this week?
7. I caused most of my own pain
Most things are perspective. Things can be accomplished, there is a path forward, and a lot of the pain along the way is self-created. I call it the swirl: getting caught up in the wave instead of riding the wave. Something big happens and I spin in it, instead of seeing the situation for what it is and finding the logical next step.
This applies to business problems, parenting problems, everything. Your perspective and your mind control most of it, and we have a lot more control over this than we realize. I am still working on it. But naming it changed it.
Ask yourself: what caused you angst this week? Was there a way to move past it faster, and how will you do that next time?
8. Putting me first makes me better for them
It is the oxygen mask cliche, and I never believed it. Honestly, I thought it was for moms who were not selfless. I am selfless, I wanted to prove I was selfless, I wanted to prove I would die on the hill for my family. I am a perfectionist about exactly this.
Here is the reality. Nobody really notices. You do not get admiration for killing yourself for everyone else. People just see you are not doing great and say feel better. The validation I was seeking the entire time never comes, and it would not be worth it anyway, because you are not in a good place. And nobody, not your partner, not your kids, not your family, knows exactly what you need in a given moment. For it to actually stick, you have to create it yourself: the space, the priorities, the walk, whatever it is.
Ask yourself: what do you need to build into your life on a regular basis that is only for you?
9. Your greatest memories come from breaking the routine
If I asked what you ate for dinner two weeks ago, you would not remember. The routine blurs, and that is literally how the brain works. What you remember is what breaks the normal cadence: the trips, the spontaneous things, picking the girls up early and doing something a little crazy.
So we prioritize the things outside the routine on purpose. This time is precious. The girls will never be this age again, and I will never get this exact chance to be their mom again. The greatest memories are waiting just outside the schedule.
Ask yourself: what is one thing you could do this week that you will still remember in ten years?
10. I am designing a life, not a business
I am designing a life that supports my family and the businesses I love. The family is the why. My babies are the core of all of it, and I aspire to have more kids. I want a full life: really interesting family conversations at dinner, all of us sitting down together every single day, long summers away where we travel, spontaneous moments with each kid and with my husband, thriving businesses, and a great culture of people I am supporting while they grow.
And even with family as my number one priority, there is more, because I am an incredibly passionate, unique person with a lot of interests. I work because it is fulfilling to me. I am building something greater than myself: a culture that supports women, that supports people of all different backgrounds, the kind that does not typically make sense in certain orgs. I am growing something with my teams, and that camaraderie and partnership fills me up.
Freedom is the epicenter of all of it. The businesses create freedom for my family. I am creating freedom for me, and building something that creates more freedom and fewer constraints for my husband too. That is the core: more of the spontaneous moments, because we designed for them.
This vision has been culminating since I was 21. I took my now-husband on our first date at 21 and told him this vision. I did not know the details, what businesses, how we would sustain it, but I knew the lifestyle, the children, the growing family. A decade of visualizing it and working at it is what this year shows for. And this is truly just the beginning.
The exercise, if you want it: figure out your why too. Then write out what you want your life to look like in ten years. You do not need the specifics. Just answer honestly:
- How are you spending your time, and what does an average week look like?
- When are you waking up, what are you doing all day, when are you going to sleep?
- Who is in your life? Who are the connections?
- What is the infrastructure holding it up?
- What is giving you purpose?
Design the future life first, then work back from there. You will not know all the answers. But if you stay focused, stay okay with failure, keep pushing through, and hold enough balance and free thinking to keep perspective and stay out of the swirl, you get somewhere. That is what defined this past year for me, and it is why I cannot wait for the next one.
It feels like you are failing until the day that you are not.
Here is to 31. This is truly just the beginning.